Identity Crisis... Averted

Have you ever stopped and taken time to think and really ponder who you are? Without your family, friends, partner, kids, coworkers? You alone, you have an identity that is not defined by any of those people.  Don't get me wrong having connections is a basic human need but until you can say I know who I am and this is who I think I want to be. You will be trapped and uncertain of what you want and out of the uncertainty you will, sort of follow what anyone says. Then you will wake up and realize your miserable. A lost or uncertain identity has been my biggest struggle this last year well for a while now... but being around Skyler has made it more clear to me. He just knows who he is and never asks for any one's approval to be himself. 

I love Skyler, but we met in the middle of my storm and when I emerged I was so scared to loose my single most important support I kind of devoted everything to him. I was so concerned about his happiness i forgot how to create my own and then relied on him to make me happy. If that isn't a relationship killer I don't know what is. I started to become jealous as he would be happy without me but I was lonely and sad without him. 

Over the last week I have taken so much time for inner reflection and outward direction. I decided that all the animosity and hurt I had was doing nothing but hurting me and our relationship. Most people didn't know or sometimes even care that they hurt me and even if they did most would assume I moved on and didn't care but I harbored all of it. So I apologized for everything I could think of that I had done to possibly create hard feelings and how to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings with each person. I never thought apologizing would be so freeing and truly made me feel good. Which lead me to look at not only myself but how my feelings and reactions to the world created an inner discontentment. 

I realized that I had no identity so I was like a leaf in the wind being tossed and blown in any emotional direction because I had no center to start from. So if I was sad I was sad until something drifted me to happiness, and most times that was Skyler. I realized that if someone asked me what I like to do or enjoy doing I couldn't really think of anything I mean I knew what I used to enjoy but did I still?

So here is the truth about me and who I am. I am the kind girl who picks strangers up in a scary neighborhoods to give them a ride because its raining, I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and gets hurt way to easily. I have only a few friends because I have the hardest time letting anyone in. I think I am smart and really funny but then again I think everyone thinks that of themselves. Most of all I have never been anything but kind at heart and somewhere I lost that bubbly, loving and kind girl within. This week I rediscovered her, through music, poetry, writing and singing. While I have never been particularly good at singing I have always loved doing so. I walked around 2 miles a day listening to all of the girly music that makes me totally uncool but it was great. I talked to friends and worked towards important personal goals and spent time doing what I have always loved. Writing! 

I want to be a writer! Poetry, lyrics, books you name it, I have ideas and good ones for them all. While my lady bug children's book took a logical turn from what I had dreamed it to be thanks to Skyler pointing out the obvious that lady bugs can fly. I rewrote the story and have made it ten times better. That is the thing at the time he told me, I was sad I had worked hard on that book and loved it. He was only telling me what I needed to hear ( what every critic would say) and I have learned listening to him can only be good. Because for the first time in my life I have found that I can truly trust another person. Who even when he wants to kill me or even if we ever went our to go our separate ways because of who he is he would always be there for me, and want whats best for me....  and that is the scariest, most beautiful thing in the world. He has taught me I am worth being loved and I need to stop being a stubborn brat and let myself be loved. I am a beautiful person and I have to remember that everyday is a day to be happy because well why not!? 

A brides Rant!

It has long been a theory of mine that I was clearly born in the wrong era. I have a strong belief in what many would consider archaic traditions and that is the fundamental issue in my current predicament of planning my wedding. The once great traditions and roles of a wedding are long forgotten and no one cares.  I have high expectations but realize that not everyone wants that pressure and have done my best to delegate and revise roles to accommodate individual needs but its not enough. Weddings seem to no longer be about the joy of two people in this sometimes very dark world finding each other but instead about tip toeing around everyone's feelings... I can't make any choice with out someones disapproval or input after the fact.

I have had it! If you are unsupportive, negative, or have nothing nice or helpful to say than stay out of planning and don't come. I will not allow anyone's rotten or selfish attitudes to ruin our wedding. The only people that need to be there are those who are happy and want to celebrate this amazing day. I don't require nor request anyone be there by obligation or invitation.

Despite what anyone may think, we are getting married, our way with or without anyone's support. So get on board or get off the ship our destination is the same either way!

Keto-genic Diet and PCOS

              My wonderful Fiance Skyler is really into fitness and wants to become a personal trainer and work in sports medicine. He puts no pressure on me to loose wait or to feel less than beautiful but we made a pact to get in better shape as we start our married life together. We are doing a low carb higher fat diet called the Ketogenic diet. So that means bacon, bacon and more bacon ha ha. 

******Please note that even with many doctor visits and vast amount of research I am not a doctor and ask that you please consult yours before changing your diet or taking any supplements :)*****

        I have struggled with my waist line since basically birth, due to a hormonal disorder that makes my body insulin resistant and I hold on to fat like crazy. My body has trouble going into what they call Ketosis which is basically the state your body has to be in to burn fat. So the Ketogenic diet has you take in no more than 20 carbohydrates a day and mostly high protein meat with fat. This diet tricks your body into realizing that fat is your fuel source not carbohydrates. It has shown to work in a great majority of people who really stick to it, especially women with PCOS(pollycystic ovary syndrome) the hormonal disorder I have! 

          So we start on the 16th of this month and I am ready to be healthy! It is not all about losing weight its about being healthy for the long run. However, I just want to stop shopping for accessories because clothes that fit are to hard to find and to be able to buy a bra from Walmart for $9 instead of the $48 at any plus size store. This diet has also been shown to increase fertility and the best part of all is that if I can loose my goal of  60lbs most women cure there PCOS which would be awesome! I am also supplementing my diet with a morning drink mix of Myo-Inisitol this is a natural B vitamin that make your membranes more absorbent and helps absorb the insulin. 

  I really hope this will be a great start to happily ever after .. plus a whole new wardrobe! :) 

To new beginnings!

       So I really have been struggling with the lack of expression in my life and need an outlet so here we are. I promise to be frank and honest so this may be a complete mess or the start of something awesome... who knows.

    I am almost 29 a terrifying age when you seem to have little to show for it, but not all is lost I have a pretty good life now! My point is life is always messy and no matter who you are you can never plan it. You can color coordinate your Agenda, sync your google calendar and  make a million lists, but in a single instant all of those plans are thrown out the window.  You may have a flat tire, your kids are sent home sick, or your sisters having a baby. Life has no pause button and no matter how much I have tried to control my life it never works. I seem to always be on a another page, in completely different book then the rest of the world. All that being said those misadventures have been some of my favorite stories so far!

       A little over 4 year years ago I moved back to Colorado after leaving a very unhappy marriage with a very controlling husband. I had started a new job as an Apartment Manager in Denver and I was making more money than I had really ever... I started spending a great deal of time with a new friend Nick who I had leased an apartment to. He had an infectious personality and was the life of every party. What started as lets get a drink turned into a 3 month long downward spiral. It did not even see myself spiraling until i hit the bottom. We where drinking every night bar hopping up Colfax avenue but we where like famed celebrities. Everyone knew us and it started to become easier and easier to drink for free. We would start at the lower end of Colfax and when we where bored wed move on and a trail of people followed. We collected a crowd of followers whether it was our dancing that got the party started or that bar tenders loved us and gave out free shots, I have no clue. I did know for the first time in my life I felt free and acknowledged. This fun lasted about 3 months and four nights of sleeping in the back of my car because I was to drunk to drive home. I was burnt out and quickly realized that none of these people knew me or even necessarily liked me it was just about the never ending party and when I wanted to stop I was left in the dust. I was seamlessly replaced with the next girl and suddenly I felt more alone than ever. So I sat at a dive bar alone and drank and I was more depressed then I had been in a long time. Something had to change!

         I went to work the next week and on Wednesday all the staff was called into the office and our Regional manager told us our property was being sold at the end of the month. My heart sank I loved working there and I didn't want to find another job this job had been my one anchor to not completely falling apart this last few months. I pulled my regional aside and asked her what options i had to stay with the company, she let me know she had a position in Utah and that I would receive a bonus to help me move.  I suddenly felt renewed I said Ill take it! I was excited for a new adventure anywhere was better then here... it had to be. My regional did not seem as excited as I was and she simply said "before you except the job go home a research Vernal, Utah"... my mind was spinning I was like what? Where? So not that I had a lot of options I asked google to tell me about my new home. Suddenly I felt like a cow sent out to pasture... there was a Walmart... and that was about it. So i put on a brave face and packed my bags.

       I drove in to the foggy mist of the morning on November 4th, 2014 and went from one side of town to the other in 15 min... I was going to need a hobby and quick! My new job was great and I did not totally hate the town. There was a lot of unique shops, small coffee places and good sense of community I just wasn't a part of yet.. I told myself trying to be optimistic.
The winter seemed like it was never going to end and the colder it got the sadder I became... at least Denver I had some family.. so I did what every 21st century lonely person does I started a dating profile!

        I met a guy Logan and we went out on a date it was really the most awkward date I had ever been on lol which later on I grew to realize Logan the great guy he is, is just kind of awkward. He did become a good friend but I could never romantically date him. Soon after I started talking to this guy who was having a really hard time he had just lost this Job and was trying to back on his feet we talked for hours and I felt an almost instant connection... but the next morning he never replied and I was almost heartbroken he was the first real connection I had formed in years he was nerdy with an edge just my type!

       Coming into January I was sure that I was going to die alone in a town where no none even knew I existed. Then my phone dinged and it was a message from the charming mystery guy. He had lost his phone service since he was unable to pay the bill due to the lack of job and all.  We messaged all day and through the night... at midnight we were so entranced in conversation he said lets meet. I was hesitant for like an instant and then I said "where!?" During our conversation we had realized that being the tiny town we are in he lived with Logan and not wanting to have the awkward  encounter he decided to meet me down the road at a local restaurant called Don Pedro's but it was too late for them to be open. So there I sat waiting for him to walk over feeling like I was about to make some kind of drug deal in dimmed lights of the parking lot. He got in and I couldn't even look at him... my cheeks hurt from the ridiculous smile painted across my face and he was so much cuter in person! We spent an awesome morning together! The rest is really history.. now 2 years later we are just 7 months from saying our "I do's" and I can not wait to be Mrs. Skyler Lamb!