Have you ever stopped and taken time to think and really ponder who you are? Without your family, friends, partner, kids, coworkers? You alone, you have an identity that is not defined by any of those people. Don't get me wrong having connections is a basic human need but until you can say I know who I am and this is who I think I want to be. You will be trapped and uncertain of what you want and out of the uncertainty you will, sort of follow what anyone says. Then you will wake up and realize your miserable. A lost or uncertain identity has been my biggest struggle this last year well for a while now... but being around Skyler has made it more clear to me. He just knows who he is and never asks for any one's approval to be himself.
I love Skyler, but we met in the middle of my storm and when I emerged I was so scared to loose my single most important support I kind of devoted everything to him. I was so concerned about his happiness i forgot how to create my own and then relied on him to make me happy. If that isn't a relationship killer I don't know what is. I started to become jealous as he would be happy without me but I was lonely and sad without him.
Over the last week I have taken so much time for inner reflection and outward direction. I decided that all the animosity and hurt I had was doing nothing but hurting me and our relationship. Most people didn't know or sometimes even care that they hurt me and even if they did most would assume I moved on and didn't care but I harbored all of it. So I apologized for everything I could think of that I had done to possibly create hard feelings and how to take responsibility for my own actions and feelings with each person. I never thought apologizing would be so freeing and truly made me feel good. Which lead me to look at not only myself but how my feelings and reactions to the world created an inner discontentment.
I realized that I had no identity so I was like a leaf in the wind being tossed and blown in any emotional direction because I had no center to start from. So if I was sad I was sad until something drifted me to happiness, and most times that was Skyler. I realized that if someone asked me what I like to do or enjoy doing I couldn't really think of anything I mean I knew what I used to enjoy but did I still?
So here is the truth about me and who I am. I am the kind girl who picks strangers up in a scary neighborhoods to give them a ride because its raining, I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and gets hurt way to easily. I have only a few friends because I have the hardest time letting anyone in. I think I am smart and really funny but then again I think everyone thinks that of themselves. Most of all I have never been anything but kind at heart and somewhere I lost that bubbly, loving and kind girl within. This week I rediscovered her, through music, poetry, writing and singing. While I have never been particularly good at singing I have always loved doing so. I walked around 2 miles a day listening to all of the girly music that makes me totally uncool but it was great. I talked to friends and worked towards important personal goals and spent time doing what I have always loved. Writing!
I want to be a writer! Poetry, lyrics, books you name it, I have ideas and good ones for them all. While my lady bug children's book took a logical turn from what I had dreamed it to be thanks to Skyler pointing out the obvious that lady bugs can fly. I rewrote the story and have made it ten times better. That is the thing at the time he told me, I was sad I had worked hard on that book and loved it. He was only telling me what I needed to hear ( what every critic would say) and I have learned listening to him can only be good. Because for the first time in my life I have found that I can truly trust another person. Who even when he wants to kill me or even if we ever went our to go our separate ways because of who he is he would always be there for me, and want whats best for me.... and that is the scariest, most beautiful thing in the world. He has taught me I am worth being loved and I need to stop being a stubborn brat and let myself be loved. I am a beautiful person and I have to remember that everyday is a day to be happy because well why not!?
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